Orenthal Impregnating Anna Nichole?

The famed actor/murderer/football player O.J. Simpson has thrown his hat into the ring for the possible fathers of Anna Nichole Smith's child. As quoted on the website Page 6, Simpson has been quoted as saying that:

"I knew Anna Nichole pretty well. I have some slow moving sperm. I could be the father."

I am literally at a loss for words here. With all the money that Smith had, I can bet that one of her luxuries that she payed for was laying in baths of man seed. Anna Nichole has probably the lowest standards out of anyone I've met, and I've shaken hands with Roseanne Barr. She gets married to an 88 year old billionaire, has sex with O.J. Simpson, and has no idea who the father of her child is? This is an excellent Maury Povich show waiting to happen. I should have tried to nail that fat/skinny/fat/skinny no class ho before she died. I could think of many uses for the money, like paying someone to rip out Dick Vitale's vocal cords, penis enlargement, or maybe even some breasts for myself so I can finally know what they feel like.

Droppin' Bows on em

So by now everyone has seen Gerald Henderson from America's most hated team Duke intentionally(?) foul Hansbrough out of UNC. This has sparked a debate on page 2 of ESPN...Who is the Duke player America loves to hate? Thomas Neumann lists the infamous Christian Laettner for making what is now known as "the shot." The player I most love to hate had to be J.J. Redick, just because he had his collar popped in his mug shot, after driving under the influence from too many Zima's. My hatred also extends to Shelden Williams, for being born out of wedlock to a blue assed baboon.

Potential?

Tyrus Thomas is a straight up animal. I did this once, over my third grade neighbor, who I then proceeded to slap in the face. With my penis.

The Arrest of Artest

Shocking news out of the Sacramento Kings club-Ron Artest has been arrested. Ron Artest is nothing new to violence, seeing as how he was suspended 73 games for fighting with fans in Detroit. I never really thought Artest was hard core, until he came out with his hit cd, with such songs on it as Ain't Easy, and Hood Luhv, then I really understood his trials and tribulations. It's hard being a piece of shit, and his troubles this time involve him being arrested for domestic violence. From ESPN.com:

"Victim sustained visible trauma after being repeatedly grabbed
by Artest and pushed to the floor," said the Placer County
Sheriff's Department report. "Artest then slapped victim's face
(and) by use of force prevented victim from leaving."

Earlier last month, Artest had his Great Dane seized because he couldn't feed it. Maybe Artest has the same problems as Spreewell, not enough money to go around. Family first, then the dogs. Or, maybe if his cd sold more copies than William Hung's he wouldn't have this problem. Either way, this sucks for the Kings who have been trying to get some life in their organization, and for the Maloof brothers, who were the only guys out there decent enough to give Artest a chance. Maybe Artest can shave his cross examination into his head, because that would be the only thing that would impress me to come out of him.

Schottenheimer Shit-Canned

Surprising news out of the whales vagina, otherwise known as San Diego. The Chargers have fired head coach Marty Schottenheimer, leaving them without a head coach, an offensive coordinator, and a defensive coordinator. I was going to write the GM of the Chargers and suggest this anyways, considering that they have LaDanian Tomlinson and Phillip Rivers, which is pretty much all you need. The Chargers are saving a ton of money by not having any coaches, money that could be spent in other ways, such as giving it to poor kids in Macomb, Illinois or maybe buy some midget strippers for some halftime entertainment. Seriously though, Schottenheimer brought his team to the playoffs, and was 14-2 last season. He was known as a playoff choker, but was still a respected coach around the league. Marty will be payed $4 million not to coach this season, money that should be invested in glasses that were made after 1963, or you know, maybe some contact lenses. Just a suggestion.

Orange Crush

Horrible news out of Champaign-Urbana last night, University of Illinois basketball players Brian Carlwell, and Jamar Smith were seriously injured in a horrible accident when Smith's car crossed a median and struck a tree. Carlwell was the passenger and is listed in critical condition, while Smith suffered a concussion. It is unclear whether or not alcohol was a factor in the accident, but the most likely explanation is a severe snow storm that hit the midwest last night. I am not a fan of Illinois basketball, but when an event like this happens, all you can do is hope for the best. Coach Bruce Weber spent the night with Carlwell in the hospital, but the outlook is not looking too good. Bruce Weber annoys me to no end, as his speaking voice sounds like an 80 year old woman with a severe addiction to Virginia Slims, but I do respect that he was by his players side in a time like this. I only hope for the best for Carlwell, and hope he has a speedy recovery.

UnBearable Loss

Super Bowl XLI is over, and I could not have asked for a better beginning. Devin Hester returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown, watching himself as he was running into the endzone. I don't think anyone saw that coming. This was the beginning of the end, and many people are looking for answers, why the team they love lost, and who to point fingers at. The answer is hard to say, but the most obvious person to look at is the quarterback who has been struggling throughout the year, Rex Grossman. Sure, he didn't have the best game, but he sure didn't have the worst. Part of the answer lies in the Colts tough offensive line, or maybe the lack of toughness in the Bears defensive line. Peyton Manning went around untouched all day, the opposite of Paris Hilton, whose diseased vagina was in the stands. Rex still looked uncomfortable in the pocket, airing balls out longer than my dad after he gets out of the shower. It was a heartbreaking loss to say the least, and the Bears were the underdogs that everyone (in Chicago) wanted to see come and pull off the miraculous. Talks have begun about what to do for next year, whos going to be behind the beast named Kreutz. I say to stick with Grossman, but other analysts have been calling for his head, seeing that Damon Huard will be a free agent, Jeff Garcia (most likely) will not have a starting job, and Jake Plummers is in trouble as well. Stick it out with Grossman. It was his first full season as a quarterback, and he brought his team to the Superbowl. Not half bad. Let him play the first seven games next year, and if he decides to step it up, sign him to a multi-year contract, if not, theres a market of decent quarterbacks out there to be dealt with. Vegas has the Bears as the NFC team to make it next year, a really encouraging sign, with the Colts as favorites for the AFC. Probably won't happen, but I know Brian Urlacher would like to get his revenge, as would the majority of the Bears defense that looked shaky against an MVP that didn't deserve it. Always next year, sigh.

Truly a Slow Quarterback

So Super Bowl XLI is coming up fast, and some people are referring to it as the Negro Bowl, (not racist, theres 2 black head coaches for the first time ever) and all eyes are focused on Peyton Manning. Especially the big dumb eyes in special needs homes, because this is also the first time in history that a retarded quarterback has led a team of any kind to a major sporting event. Peyton Manning is the pride of the cerebal palsy community, and his head size really speaks for itself. Peyton has to have his helmets custom made from Riddell, and the model he wears takes up a full 3,500 square foot wearhouse in Upper Cincinatti. People seem to think that Manning is a genius quarterback because he "audibles" so much at the line of scrimmage. This is not true, he usually forgets what the play call was, and makes up as many as 32 different plays at the line of scrimmage. Tony Dungy tried to have a speaker installed in his helmet so he could help Peyton at the line, but Tweeter electronincs already built the largest speaker that stands in Tokyo, Japan. A new speaker is in the works, but its still in the engineering stage at their corporate headquarters. Manning was actually drafted by the Colts on a bet that the team owner had, as a cruel joke, because Peyton was kicked in the head by a bucking colt as a boy, thus making him slow, but the people of Indianapolis loved having a retarded quarterback so much they decided to keep him. Manning has a sick retard sense of humor, laughing at coffee workers as they get burned, and making fun of grocery workers. He truly is a leader in the disabled community, one that everyone in it should be proud of.

Barbaro Flavored Alpo

An extremely sad day has happened in the equine world: the horse affectionatley known as Big Bad Bossy Barbaro or BBBB, has died. Barbaro was an inspiration to millions of lonely cat loving housewives who wrote him countless letters of inspiration to get well. First discovered by Deadspin.com, some letters were written in poem style, and others as letters of love. To a fucking horse. A racehorse. Let me say this again. People wrote letters to a fucking four legged dumb animal with a penis the size of a Honda Accord antenna. Examples:

We love you, the royal and couragous pony that you were. What an example you set for all of us in strength, love and obedience to all of your caregivers. Enjoy your life from the pain and suffering with the one who went before.
-Ardis Kuene and Family, Merchantville, Ind.

The University of Pennyslvania set up a website for the horse that disappointed everyone at the Preakness when it snapped its hind leg in in several places, forfeiting the triple crown. Millions around the world were saddened when hearing that Barbaro died. Again, Barbaro isn't even a Prince of Morrocco or a Sultan, hes a fucking horse. Thousands of children, adults, and grandparents die every day. This horse got more letters than Princess Diana when it died. Maybe if Diana was packing the heat that Barbaro was, she'd of been as popular.

Superbowl, Super Bears

Ladies and Gentleman, your Chicago Bears defeated America's team that was the New Orleans Saints. The Bears are going to Miami. Miami is home to thousands of attractive, single females, and before February is over, I can guarantee that all of these women are impregnated with Sexy Rexy man seed. I can vaguely remember the '85 team, and the Superbowl victory against the Patriots, being only four months old, but now at the ripe old age of 21, I can finally see the Monsters of the Midway and Sexy Rexy rain on the parade that is the Indianapolis Colts. The Bears won the NFC Championship in fine fashion, and Reggie Bush proved himself to be a complete and utter piece of shit. Reggie managed to cap off a 68 yard touchdown reception by taunting Bears players and doing a flip into the end zone. Not only was this a completely classless move, it came back to hurt the Saints as the could not regain the lead for the rest of the game. Americas team indeed, as the '06 Saints managed to look like the Dallas Cowboys of old, by being complete pieces of shit. The Saints march as a Cinderella Story was stopped in the frigid field in Chicago, and now the only thing left is to play the five head team of Peyton Manning, and Marvin Harrison.

LaDainian Tomlinson Hates Belicheck

LaDainian Tomlinson was apparently very upest after Patriots players were celebrating on his field. Everyone in the league knows Tomlinson is a class act, but apparently all celebration must consist of hushed whispers, and there is to be NO dancing, or chaperones will be called. I understand why Tomlinson could blame Belicheck though, seeing as the man dresses like a hobo vagabond, and how dare you mock a man full of class and testoserone like Shawne Merriman.

The Saints Come Marching In

Rex Grossman, man of redemption? May be a little early to tell, but with the Bears victory over the Seahawks on Sunday, in overtime no less, Grossman had his chance to prove himself to the critics (myself included) and prove himself he did. Grossman was 21/38 with 282 yards, a td, a pick which was a tipped pass, and a fumble. Not stellar numbers, and Grossman still looked uncomfortable in the pocket, forcing a lot of passes, but he does have it in him to be a team leader, especially after an incredibly placed 67 yard pass to Berrian. All eyes were on the young Robbie Gould, out of Penn State, and Gould himself never wavered, quoted as saying, "I knew it was good as soon as soon as it came out," but he did have me worried, as the ball was slicing like one of my golf drives. The Bears face a formidable foe in the Saints, who alot of people are calling "Americas team" a la Hurricane Katrina. Good, fuck the Cowboys, and fuck Texas. The only good thing to come out of Texas was the ability to produce the Houston Astros, whom my Chicago White Sox wiped the floor with in the World Series. Americas Team? We'll see on Sunday.

Atheletes that Look Like Famous People

There are some uncanny resemblances between athletes and moderatley famous actors. A few comparisons I have found:



















Sack or Zack from Wedding Crashers vs. Merril Hoge

This is one of the most incredible look alikes I have found. The differences end here though, as Merril Hoge is a pussy and usually gets owned by Ron Jaworski, and Sack Lodge was an All America hit machine from an Ivy League college (I think.) Sack can lay a hit down, and shoots people for fun. Props to you. Merril Hoge is one of the few ESPN personalities I like, but he needs to form his own opinions.

















Chris Berman vs. Jim Belushi

They don't really look alike, but I share a deep hatred for both. Chris Berman is famous only because he has a penchant for yelling "woop" multiple times on NFL Tonight, and for some reason unknown to me, I do not appreciate fat people screaming at me on tv, thats what Rosie O'Donnell has a job for. Jim Belushi only has my respect because he is a Bears fan, and the buck stops there. Belushi is only famous for riding on the coat-tails of his famous brother John, and if his brother was never around, Belushi would probably be working for Chicago Streets and Sanitation, carting around on the back of a garbage truck somewhere.
















A Child Molester vs. Mike Holmgren

Don't get me wrong, I absoultely hate child molesters. They need to burn in hell. I feel the same way for the Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren. He ditched out on the Packers, I think because he tried to touch Brett Favres son Trent. Mike is a fat sweaty slob of a man, and he belongs behind bars, because he likes little boys and girls.
















Shelden Williams vs. An African Gorilla

As I have stated before, I absolutely despise Duke Basketball. Now, I have a deep respect for gorillas after seeing King Kong (imagine the weiner on Kong, props to him...) So I'm gonna have to go with the gorilla in this one, because Shelden Williams should be in a tree somewhere deep in Zimbabwe.

Slapfest/Throwdown 2007!!

This video is for anyone out there who thinks soccer is hardcore. I've seen worse fights in Wrigleyville over a piece of quiche, than how these two fucktards fight. I've seen fourth graders throw harder punches than these two pathetic excuses for athletes. This is worse than amateur black boxing.

You Stay Classy, Barry Bonds

The New York Daily News reported today that the most beloved player in baseball, one Barry Bonds, has tested positive for amphetamines. This test was performed last year, and if you test positive for a first test, you are to remain anonymous. Well, Bonds is now playing the finger pointing game, blaming his positive testing on teammate Mark Sweeney, saying that he took the substance out of Sweeney's locker. Alright, Barry, so your saying that you went into Sweeney's locker, and unknowingly popped a couple of pills, to help you better your game? Amphetamines are also known as "greenies" and players like Pete Rose have admitted to taking them. After he tested positive, Barry was referred to counseling, not punished. A second violation for amphetamines, warrants a 25 game suspension. Bonds is playing the Rafael Palmiero game, blaming a fellow teammate, such as when Palmiero blamed Miguel Tejada for his postive testing. I know the next time I'm in need of a fix, I'm just going to search through friends medical cabinets....Foot fungus pills? This will fix my throbbing green genitals.

An Important Additon

Well sports fans, in my list of hates, you may have thought that I have forgotten about the most hated sports writer out there: Jay Mariotti. It is in fact the exact opposite, I think he is so vile, that this entire column will be about him. It is documented proof that Jay offered stat boy a blow job in order to win an episode of pardon the interruption. Stat boy accepted graciously. I shouldnt of even spoke of these events, but an insider of ESPN let me know the disgusting news. Actually Mariotti recently went under the knife for an angioplasty, probably because hes a fat, homosexual, repulsive daygo who could never find a man good enough to cook for him. Jay waxes his chest with old semen from Woody Paiges loins, and though it takes hours to dry on him, Jay for some unknown reason doesn't seem to mind. If the popular opinion thinks one way, Jay takes his stance on the exact opposite, and he is wrong ninety percent of the time. Hawk Harrelson has Jay's name tattoed on his knuckles, and Jay now refuses to enter the Whitesox clubhouse. Jay was asked to leave a Chicago Cubs post game conference because his vagina smelled worse than fishermans wharf. Grown men fainted, children screamed, and Dusty Baker stabbed himself repeatedly in the face due to the stench, a blessing put on us all. Despite having a smelly vagina, a unibrow, and being the worst columnist ever to stroke a pen (which he fills with the blood from his menstruation cycle) Jay continues to hold a full time job. This outrages me. I hate you Jay Mariotti.

Huge Numbers, Small Balls

The voting for the Hall is over, and Mark McGwire was left in the dust trail that was Cal Ripken Jr., and Tony Gwynn, who absolutely, without a doubt earned their place among the greats. The numbers McGwire put up were certainly Hall of Fame caliber: a home run every 10.5 bats, greatest all time, .588 slugging percentage, not to mention the fact the home run race of 1998 revived the dying sport which was baseball, partially because after the strike many people thought athletes were spoiled, rich, pussies. A fact many today still agree with. In the first year of voting that he was eligible, McGwire recieved only 23% of the vote, which is enough to keep him on the ballet for next year. The question is, does he deserve to be enshrined among the greats? The consesus of the voters in the A.P., and league officials is that they want McGwire as far away from Cooperstown as they can manage. McGwires testimony in front of the House Government Reform Committee on March 17th, 2005 was one of a scandalous ridden politician:

"My lawyers have advised me that I cannot answer these questions without jeopardizing my friends, family, and myself." And repeatedly saying "I'm not here to talk about my past, I'm here to be positive about this subject."

He did what every American has the right to do, the right to not incriminate himself, as stated in the 5th amendment. McGwire has stated previously that he has taken Andro, a substance that then was not banned by the MLB. The thing is, McGwire had to face pitchers that were also knowingly taking these substances, thus increasing their throwing power. This would make things even, a steroird ingesting pitcher vs. a steroid ingesting batter. McGwire did a lot to refuel America's interest in baseball, and now its as popular as ever.

At the very least McGwire admitted to using now banned substances, because my respect for players like Bonds is a consensus with pretty much everyone else across America: I'm out for blood. Bonds has nearly been caught red-handed, and I understand the fact that he has no choice but to deny his outright use of steroids, it would put a scar that is the face of the MLB. But he should have left earlier, his show got him no sympathy, and fans continue to taunt him to no end. The fact that he continues to chase the record for home runs makes me sick, and if baseball rejects McGwire, they know in their hearts they must reject Bonds as well.

Rex Grossman Just Doesn't Give a Fuck

Rex Grossman doesn't play on holidays of importance. Which makes sense now, because he hasn't been playing that well on Sundays, which, as all of us know, is the Catholic day of rest. Jerry Angelo is the only man to put this blame on, because he should have just hired a Protestant or Quaker quarterback. I mean after all, its just a game, and its fucking NEW YEARS EVE, can't be expected to produce when 2007 is about to roll in can you?Rex Grossman, as told from espn.com:

"In this league, especially at this postion, you have to bring it in every single game, in every single week, no matter what. And the situation was I figured to play about a quarter, or maybe even a half, it was the last game, it was New Years Eve, and there were so many factors that brought my focus away from what is important, and that's something I'm never going to do again."

I do admire that he has the gall to admit that his heart wasn't in the game. This would have been acceptable, say from a veteran quarterback like Brett Favre (cheeseheads would be out for blood) or Tom Brady, but to come from a quarterback whos postition isn't yet solidified is not acceptable. Lovie Smith, a man very capable of doing his job, needs to evaluate Grossman every single snap on Sunday, and if it looks like Grossman has chocolate, boobs, or anything else on his mind, send him to the fucking locker room. A year when .500 teams are capable of going to the super bowl, when the Bears are 13-3 is surely the best chance they have to winning it all. The only thing holding us back is a quarterback with booze on his mind, instead of the ongoing game. I was a believer in the quarterback whose name rhymes with sexy, but when he admits that he isn't all in the game, i say bring in the quarterback whose name rhymes with Fece(s).

A List Dedicated to the Things I Hate Most

I have a lot of feelings for sports, most good, some bad. This list is meant to show anything in sports that I hate. Sit down, light up a cigarette, and bask in the things I hate most:

• Dick Vitale- My God Almighty, Lord Jesus Christ. I absolutely hate this man. Dukie V is by far my most hated sports announcer, writer, etc. (I hate him more than Skip Bayliss!) If I have to hear Dick talk about stroking anything, I might shoot my penis off. The only thing Dick Vitale strokes is J.J. Redicks hair after a passionate night of hot man on boy anal sex. Also, he has one eye. Enough said.
  
• Stuart Scott's eye- Seriously if you have h.d. tv and have to stare at his eye, it almost puts you in trance like coma. At least wear an eye patch, if would make you look so much cooler. A patch with say a skull and crossbones, or a scale drawing of your penis, whatever.
• Greg Oden's dad- I have never personally met him, or seen him, except once in the movie "Congo". I didnt know silverback gorrillas could have a child that plays in the big ten.
  
• John Madden- I own the game Madden, but i refuse to play if the volume is on. John Madden might be the most retarded, drunk, fat slob announcing today. I'm pretty sure he wants to have hot anal sex with Brett Farve also.
• Skip Bayliss- Seriously wearing a fucking pink polo? Worst personality on tv, I'm pretty sure he gets his clothes from his Alpha Gamma Rho son that slips GHB into guys drinks that are small enough for him to carry to his room to "cuddle with."
• Larry Coker- Great recruiter, seriously. I didn't think or know that it was legal to recruit from penetentiarys, but he must use one of those inmate pen pal programs.
  
• Screamin' A. Smith- Yes, you have a voice. Most of us have voices. Except Helen Keller, but do you really have to write your emails in ALL CAPS? Or tell us whose party you were at last night, by breaking our fucking inner ear?
• Bruce Pearl- Seriously man, buy some fucking deodorant, or don't wear so many layers. At least wear a speedo, so it looks like you were swimming, you repulsive fuck.
• Coaches with gay first names- Urban Meyer? Seriously who names their child after a fucking city? I might name my next kid Rural. Or maybe your parents were obsessed with popes in the 1400's, which is just fucking weird. Thad Matta? Enough said, if your name is Thad, than you deserve to have piles of shit flung at you while waiting till your 18 to change your name.
• Duke Basketball fans- What a bunch of sad, computer programming, 115 pound fucking dorks. They have pre-arranged cheers printed up, enough said. You have a 4.0 gpa? Well at least I dont have a face full of acne, and a pile of cum socks under my bed you fucking losers.
  
• Chicago Quarterbacks- Cade Mcnown, Kyle Orton, Craig Krenzel, Erik Kramer, Kordell Stewart, Jim Miller, Johnathon Quinn, the list goes on and on. New years is over, Rex so get your fucking head in the game, or youll be wiping up strip club floors like the previous ones just listed.
• J.J. Redick- Americas boy? Nice fucking popped collar in your D.U.I. picture you gay fuck. Shouldn't have drank all those Zima's that night eh?
  
• Charlie Weiss- I heard a clause in his contract provides him with a 12 year old naked boy to consume once a week, before every game. Seriously, buy a fucking treadmill you rich fat fuck.
  
• Joakim Noah- Nappier roots than my maple tree in the back yard. Seriously cut your hair, your not a badass, nor will you ever meet R.W. McQuarters. No talk of you for the draft, probably because of your appereance you scummy piece of shit.
  
• Chris Berman- I wish you never mentored Stephen A. Smith, because if I have to hear you say "wooop" one more time I'm gonna drive to Bristol and choke you to death with a box of Ding-Dongs.
  

Im on the Internets

Friends, family, neighbors, lovers, enemies....here is my feeble attempt as a blogger. I have always been a huge fan of sports websites such as deadspin.com, kissing suzy kolber, the big lead, mighty mjd, etc. etc., and i thought it would be fun to try my hand at it. This isnt going to be an inspiring work, like say the way David Hasselhoff runs down the beach, long luscious chest hair bouncing, flowing, ahem sorry. I will try to do three posts a day, somehow related to sports, and biased on Chicago teams based in the southern part. Feel free to comment about how bad i suck, how handsome i am, how big my man package is, or tips, or correct me. Here goes....

Urban Appeal

The big one is finally over. Gator fans can revel and rejoice that they are indeed the national champions of basketball and football, a joy known by no other team. Troy Smith showed little heisman qualities, putting up Rex Grossman like numbers, leaving boosters everywhere wondering what stellar qualities this young blood has shown. The big question now isn't who the national champion is, but who the number 1 seed is. Fans in Idaho(?!) are now crying that they deserve to be the number 1 team in the nation. Fuck Idaho. I would rather fuck a potato (have to be mashed) than listen to the griping of a state whose team plays on a blue field. Stop your whining Idahoans, and hire a new fucking groundskeeper, one who has a little more sense in color than my overweight beagle. Florida Fans, you deserved it, despite Urban Meyers whining and moaning, you did prove that as touchdown underdogs, you could handle the powerhouse that was THE Ohio State University. My love for the Big Ten knows no bounds, the same as my hatred for any Florida team, and the Big Ten got manhandled, not even politely, but bent over and fucked hard, right in the anus in their bowl games, not even bothering to clean up the smoldering mound of shit left on the floor, which is exactly what they looked like. Illini fans, stand up, because if Ron Zook can recruit a national championship team in Florida, he can sure as hell to the same for the Illini, the team everybody feels sorry for, like the dog with three legs on your block. This was Zook's team, and Meyer graciously gave him credit that was due. Now I only wish Notre Dame fans can acknowledge one Tyrone Willingham, instead of worshipping the fat cow that is Charlie Weiss.