UnBearable Loss

Super Bowl XLI is over, and I could not have asked for a better beginning. Devin Hester returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown, watching himself as he was running into the endzone. I don't think anyone saw that coming. This was the beginning of the end, and many people are looking for answers, why the team they love lost, and who to point fingers at. The answer is hard to say, but the most obvious person to look at is the quarterback who has been struggling throughout the year, Rex Grossman. Sure, he didn't have the best game, but he sure didn't have the worst. Part of the answer lies in the Colts tough offensive line, or maybe the lack of toughness in the Bears defensive line. Peyton Manning went around untouched all day, the opposite of Paris Hilton, whose diseased vagina was in the stands. Rex still looked uncomfortable in the pocket, airing balls out longer than my dad after he gets out of the shower. It was a heartbreaking loss to say the least, and the Bears were the underdogs that everyone (in Chicago) wanted to see come and pull off the miraculous. Talks have begun about what to do for next year, whos going to be behind the beast named Kreutz. I say to stick with Grossman, but other analysts have been calling for his head, seeing that Damon Huard will be a free agent, Jeff Garcia (most likely) will not have a starting job, and Jake Plummers is in trouble as well. Stick it out with Grossman. It was his first full season as a quarterback, and he brought his team to the Superbowl. Not half bad. Let him play the first seven games next year, and if he decides to step it up, sign him to a multi-year contract, if not, theres a market of decent quarterbacks out there to be dealt with. Vegas has the Bears as the NFC team to make it next year, a really encouraging sign, with the Colts as favorites for the AFC. Probably won't happen, but I know Brian Urlacher would like to get his revenge, as would the majority of the Bears defense that looked shaky against an MVP that didn't deserve it. Always next year, sigh.

Truly a Slow Quarterback

So Super Bowl XLI is coming up fast, and some people are referring to it as the Negro Bowl, (not racist, theres 2 black head coaches for the first time ever) and all eyes are focused on Peyton Manning. Especially the big dumb eyes in special needs homes, because this is also the first time in history that a retarded quarterback has led a team of any kind to a major sporting event. Peyton Manning is the pride of the cerebal palsy community, and his head size really speaks for itself. Peyton has to have his helmets custom made from Riddell, and the model he wears takes up a full 3,500 square foot wearhouse in Upper Cincinatti. People seem to think that Manning is a genius quarterback because he "audibles" so much at the line of scrimmage. This is not true, he usually forgets what the play call was, and makes up as many as 32 different plays at the line of scrimmage. Tony Dungy tried to have a speaker installed in his helmet so he could help Peyton at the line, but Tweeter electronincs already built the largest speaker that stands in Tokyo, Japan. A new speaker is in the works, but its still in the engineering stage at their corporate headquarters. Manning was actually drafted by the Colts on a bet that the team owner had, as a cruel joke, because Peyton was kicked in the head by a bucking colt as a boy, thus making him slow, but the people of Indianapolis loved having a retarded quarterback so much they decided to keep him. Manning has a sick retard sense of humor, laughing at coffee workers as they get burned, and making fun of grocery workers. He truly is a leader in the disabled community, one that everyone in it should be proud of.

Superbowl, Super Bears

Ladies and Gentleman, your Chicago Bears defeated America's team that was the New Orleans Saints. The Bears are going to Miami. Miami is home to thousands of attractive, single females, and before February is over, I can guarantee that all of these women are impregnated with Sexy Rexy man seed. I can vaguely remember the '85 team, and the Superbowl victory against the Patriots, being only four months old, but now at the ripe old age of 21, I can finally see the Monsters of the Midway and Sexy Rexy rain on the parade that is the Indianapolis Colts. The Bears won the NFC Championship in fine fashion, and Reggie Bush proved himself to be a complete and utter piece of shit. Reggie managed to cap off a 68 yard touchdown reception by taunting Bears players and doing a flip into the end zone. Not only was this a completely classless move, it came back to hurt the Saints as the could not regain the lead for the rest of the game. Americas team indeed, as the '06 Saints managed to look like the Dallas Cowboys of old, by being complete pieces of shit. The Saints march as a Cinderella Story was stopped in the frigid field in Chicago, and now the only thing left is to play the five head team of Peyton Manning, and Marvin Harrison.