Schottenheimer Shit-Canned

Surprising news out of the whales vagina, otherwise known as San Diego. The Chargers have fired head coach Marty Schottenheimer, leaving them without a head coach, an offensive coordinator, and a defensive coordinator. I was going to write the GM of the Chargers and suggest this anyways, considering that they have LaDanian Tomlinson and Phillip Rivers, which is pretty much all you need. The Chargers are saving a ton of money by not having any coaches, money that could be spent in other ways, such as giving it to poor kids in Macomb, Illinois or maybe buy some midget strippers for some halftime entertainment. Seriously though, Schottenheimer brought his team to the playoffs, and was 14-2 last season. He was known as a playoff choker, but was still a respected coach around the league. Marty will be payed $4 million not to coach this season, money that should be invested in glasses that were made after 1963, or you know, maybe some contact lenses. Just a suggestion.

Orange Crush

Horrible news out of Champaign-Urbana last night, University of Illinois basketball players Brian Carlwell, and Jamar Smith were seriously injured in a horrible accident when Smith's car crossed a median and struck a tree. Carlwell was the passenger and is listed in critical condition, while Smith suffered a concussion. It is unclear whether or not alcohol was a factor in the accident, but the most likely explanation is a severe snow storm that hit the midwest last night. I am not a fan of Illinois basketball, but when an event like this happens, all you can do is hope for the best. Coach Bruce Weber spent the night with Carlwell in the hospital, but the outlook is not looking too good. Bruce Weber annoys me to no end, as his speaking voice sounds like an 80 year old woman with a severe addiction to Virginia Slims, but I do respect that he was by his players side in a time like this. I only hope for the best for Carlwell, and hope he has a speedy recovery.

UnBearable Loss

Super Bowl XLI is over, and I could not have asked for a better beginning. Devin Hester returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown, watching himself as he was running into the endzone. I don't think anyone saw that coming. This was the beginning of the end, and many people are looking for answers, why the team they love lost, and who to point fingers at. The answer is hard to say, but the most obvious person to look at is the quarterback who has been struggling throughout the year, Rex Grossman. Sure, he didn't have the best game, but he sure didn't have the worst. Part of the answer lies in the Colts tough offensive line, or maybe the lack of toughness in the Bears defensive line. Peyton Manning went around untouched all day, the opposite of Paris Hilton, whose diseased vagina was in the stands. Rex still looked uncomfortable in the pocket, airing balls out longer than my dad after he gets out of the shower. It was a heartbreaking loss to say the least, and the Bears were the underdogs that everyone (in Chicago) wanted to see come and pull off the miraculous. Talks have begun about what to do for next year, whos going to be behind the beast named Kreutz. I say to stick with Grossman, but other analysts have been calling for his head, seeing that Damon Huard will be a free agent, Jeff Garcia (most likely) will not have a starting job, and Jake Plummers is in trouble as well. Stick it out with Grossman. It was his first full season as a quarterback, and he brought his team to the Superbowl. Not half bad. Let him play the first seven games next year, and if he decides to step it up, sign him to a multi-year contract, if not, theres a market of decent quarterbacks out there to be dealt with. Vegas has the Bears as the NFC team to make it next year, a really encouraging sign, with the Colts as favorites for the AFC. Probably won't happen, but I know Brian Urlacher would like to get his revenge, as would the majority of the Bears defense that looked shaky against an MVP that didn't deserve it. Always next year, sigh.